The Porn Catastrophe
by erinjoy29
Summary: A ridiculous story that just popped into my mind. Involves Sirius, Remus, gay porn, and a whole lot of confusion. SB/RL. SLASH.


Hey everyone, this is probably the most crazy thing I have ever wrote. I don't even know where it came from. It just started coming out in the middle of an English assignment... however I don't think this would be appropriate to hand in. Oh well, at least people can read it on here. Enjoy.

* * *

"Hey, James," asked Peter, putting his Potions book down, "Where are Padfoot and Moony?"

James looked up from his parchment and appeared to be thinking, "I dunno Wormtail, I really don't know."

"They didn't have a prank planned, did they?" questioned Peter, who was now looking at his homework with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Don't think so mate," James said, becoming mystified, "They would have told us if they had something planned; besides I think I heard Moony saying he wanted to get his Muggle Studies homework done, so I bet Padfoot's off with some girl."

"Again, you mean? He's been going off a lot these past few months, hasn't he? Not telling us who he's meeting up with. You don't think he's finally settled down with someone do you?"

"Ha! Nice one Pete. Sirius settling down will happen when Lily Evans marries someone other than me. But that won't happen because she'll finally realise she's in love with me. And when she does, we'll go to Hogsmeade together, and I'll buy her things, and we'll get engaged, and then we'll get our own place and we'll have this real nice ceremony in our backyard, and then we'll have a kid, I like the name Harry. What do you think of the name 'Harry' Wormtail? Never mind, I like it so that's all that matters. Yeah. We'll have a nice kid named Harry! And he'll play Quidditch; like me!"

"Ummm... James? What if it's a girl?"

"Girls can play Quidditch Wormtail."

"So you're going to name your _female_ child 'Harry'?"

"What's wrong with the name 'Harry'?

"Nothing! Nothing. Oh, never mind. What were we talking about?"

"You know what Wormtail... I don't remember..." and with that, one half of the Marauders turned back to their homework and continued what they were doing before getting side-tracked wondering about their best friends' whereabouts. Who were still missing.

~~~*~~~

**Meanwhile, in the room of requirement...**

A certain young werewolf and his oh-so-lovely best friend were about to commence Remus' Muggle Studies homework. However, things were about to get interesting...

"Sirius!"

"What!?"

"What the hell is this!?"

"It's a muggle moo-vie"

"Sirius!" Remus yelled, while trying to figure out how to turn the TV off, "This is not a movie! This is _porn_! Who the hell gave this to you?"

Sirius looked interested for the first time that evening, "Porn? Isn't that were those pervy muggles tape each other having sex and then watch it? Cool!"

Remus paused in his attempts to turn the TV off, and turned to look at his friend with a look of bewilderment, "I know I shouldn't be surprised, but how can you think this is cool!?"

"Remus, my apparently asexual pal, how do you _not_ think this is cool? I mean, we get to watch two hot guys getting it on! Kinda gets you in the mood doesn't it?" Sirius replied while nudging Remus with his elbow and wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

Remus just looked at Sirius, his mouth open in amazement at the level of perverted-ness his friend possessed.

"What's with your face Remus?"

"I give up. I just... I give up." Remus said before taking a breath and continuing, "Sirius, I want you to look at me. Okay."

Sirius looked at Remus with his eyes wide open.

"Oh for Christ's sake! Put your google-eyes away!"

"Stop calling my eyes google-eyes! They do not 'google'"

"Yes they do. And you know it unsettles me. So please don't do it."

Sirius did his unknowingly google-eyed face and put his face right in front of Remus'.

Remus was still for an entire second before he started running away from Sirius relatively quickly, however, the animagus thought it would be fun to chase his poor freaked out friend around the small room the Room of Requirement had produced for their purposes that evening.

"Sirius! Leave me alone! Please just leave me alone! I'll do anything if you just erase your face!"

"Alright then Moony. One condition."

"Name it."

"I want to watch the porn moo-vie"

"Sirius! It's only got guys in it! Which suggests to me someone has given you _gay porn!_"

"Why would Lily give me gay porn?"

"Lily gave you this!?"

"Yes! I went to her and said that you and I were going to be sneaking off to the Room of Requirement to do you Muggle Studies homework and then I told her that your homework was to watch a moo-vie that muggles made. So she asked me what kind of moo-vie I wanted. All I did was tell her I'd like a moo-vie that I could relate to!"

"Sirius. I just don't understand. Why would Lily give you gay porn?"

"I dunno. Maybe she thought I'd like it."

"Why would she think you'd like it?"

"Because she saw me with Wyatt in the prefect's bathroom a week ago."

"Is Wyatt that guy in 6th year?"

"Yes that's the one. Blonde hair, hazel eyes, real nice arse, and not to mention his..."

"I think I get your drift, Sirius. But, if you're gay, then why didn't you tell us?"

"Oh, I'm not gay!"

"You're not gay?"

"No. I'm bi-sexual! That way I get the best of both worlds! I'm thinking Monday to Wednesday I'll be straight, Thursday to Saturday I'll be gay, and Sundays can alternate. What do you think Moony?"

"I think you've lost your mind."

"I'm just kidding Moony."

"So you're not gay?"

"Nope, I just told you I'm bi-sexual! What I meant was I'm bi-sexual all the time. Too much effort allocating days to be gay and straight, besides I might meet a hot guy while I'm 'straight' and then I'd be screwed... well, I wouldn't be screwed, which would be the problem... Anyway, the point is, I want to watch the porn!"

"You want me to watch porn with you?"

"Why not?"

"I give up... yet again... we can watch the damn porn!"

"I knew you'd give in."

"Great." Remus replied in a very exasperated tone, "Can we just get this over with?"

"Moony? Ever heard the saying, 'me thinks the lady doth protest too much'?"

"Oh just go screw yourself Sirius!"

"No need to get testy Remus. Maybe you could do with some sexual release yourself."

"Don't start this shit again."

"I'm just saying Remus," Sirius said while moving closer to the werewolf, "Maybe you need to just find some nice girl... or guy... to have a bit of fun with. You know, just so you don't have to be so tense all the time."

"And who are you suggesting? Perhaps I should go find Wyatt?"

"Not a chance in hell!" Sirius objected, grabbing Remus by the arm as he moved towards the door, "You should just sit here and watch the porn and make friends with your hand!"

"Sirius! You're in the room too!"

"I like it when you say my name like that."

Remus blushed, "Oh just shut up Padfoot. You're just trying to make me uncomfortable."

"Actually that's just a bonus. You see, I know the truth Remus. You shouldn't tell Lily some things. Poor girl has a nasty habit of giving things away when you read her diary."

"You read her diary!?"

"Well, I needed proof that you were gay too, and I figured that if you hadn't told me or James or Pete, then you'd have told Lily. And I was right."

"So I suppose you've also read all the other stuff I told her?"

"You mean about how you're in love with me?"

"That would be what I was talking about."

"Hey Moony, look at me for a sec."

When Remus finally managed to look at Sirius he was met with a pair of lips. Lips that probably belonged to Sirius, because he was the only other person in the room. But just to be sure, he pulled away to check.

"Sirius!"

"What did I _just_ say about you saying my name like that?"

"Why did you kiss me!?"

"Well I actually thought it was quite obvious."

"You like me? But that's insane."

"So am I. But it also makes perfect sense. You're perfect for me! You're my other half, my opposite in all ways that need to be balanced."

"That's sooo lame!"

"Shut up. C'mon Moony, I don't know why I like you but I do. Have for a while now actually. So what do you say? Wanna be my hunny-bunny?"

"You want me to be your hunny-bunny?"

"Or boyfriend. Either will do."

"You do realise you are probably retarded, don't you?"

"Yes. But that's why I have you."

"Yes I suppose you do."

"Really Moony?"

"Yes Sirius. You know I love you, so I'll be your boyfriend."

"And my hunny-bunny?"

"I guess..."

"And you'll watch porn with me?"

"Of course not."

"But Mooooony! I love you! So we should be able to watch porn together!"

"Sirius, how about this, we can go back to the dormitory and shag on James' bed, and then we'll shag on your bed, and then we'll shag on my bed, and then we'll go to sleep and do it all over again every day in lots of different places forever."

"I guess those terms are agreeable."

Remus just shook his head and captured Sirius' lips for another mind-blowing kiss.

~~~*~~~

**Back in the Gryffindor Common Room...**

Peter was falling asleep with his face lying in a puddle of spilt ink. James had also fallen asleep a few hours earlier and it was now about 3am. When he awoke, he discovered the Common Room was empty. He debated whether to wake Peter up or not, but when faced with heaving the boy up the stairs, decided to just let him continue drooling onto his parchment.

So James Potter headed on up to the 7th year dormitory. As he reached the door he thought he could hear hushed voices. He decided to ignore them, opened the door and went over to his bed.

Only to find... it looked like it had been hit by a bomb.

The sheets were rumpled. The pillows were all over the place. Not to mention the hangings; the poor things had been ripped on one side.

James had no idea what could have done this. He looked over to find the hangings drawn around Sirius and Remus' beds. What he didn't know, was that Sirius' bed was empty. For Sirius and Remus had followed through with their plans and copulated in various beds, before ending up in the werewolf's bed.

James walked over to Peter's bed and made himself comfortable. Just as he was starting to drift off, having nice dreams of himself, Lily, and their young child, Harry, he could hear the voices again. Only this time they weren't muffled.

"Oh god Sirius! Harder!"

James' eyes opened in fright. The wide and horrified eyes drifted over to Remus' bed, before his mouth opened and let out a scream.

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Please review and let me know what you think...


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